Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
Randomize
