Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Randomize