dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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