when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
mondays should just be called national damage control day
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
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