we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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