i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Randomize
