hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
