I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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