so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
