Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
Randomize