dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Randomize
