I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Randomize