i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
