haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
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