I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
Randomize
