woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Randomize
