My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
