you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
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