Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
