In the future we'll all be gay
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Randomize
