Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
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