so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
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