I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
Holy shit dude........stairs
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Randomize
