i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
How much explanation does bbqsexapalooza need?
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
