At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
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