the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
Randomize
