I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
Randomize
