he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
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