On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
Randomize
