and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
Blood and glitter go together right?
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
The language barrier was annoying .... So we just had sex. That is how you deal with not being able to chat isn't it???
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
