my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Randomize
