My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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