1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
Writing my paper on freud at bar
??
Going up to girls and asking if they were anal explosive or anal retentive as children
Smooth
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
Randomize
