she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
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