It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Drunk is a universal language darling
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
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