So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
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