The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
Randomize
