More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
