Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
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