Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
Randomize
