I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
i dont think there is any level of not caring that i havent covered in the last month
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
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