My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
he thought i was a dude.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
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