At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
Randomize
