You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Randomize
