Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
Randomize
