I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
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