My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
