There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
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