No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Randomize
