their songs make me feel all the things I wanna feel. Ya dig?
and what kinds of feelings would these be?
Happy, horny, occasionally hungry
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
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