hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Randomize
