I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
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