God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
Randomize
