she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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