He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I wish there were birth control emojis
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
