i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
My liver is preforming stress tests.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
