It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
