i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
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